Dear Early Birds (An Avian Eviction),

I HEART birds

Birds. BIRDS.

You are amazing.

I love your work on stamps, in Portlandia sketches (I have put a bird on it), Angry Birds, and Sesame Street. I am a personal fan of the blue tit, baby owls, and Pierre the Pelican (so much material here–thank you, New Orleans).

But enough is enough. Today I gave the birds an eviction notice with the hope of becoming snug as a bug in a rug  (as illustrated below by my husband, who didn’t know I took this picture).

I’ll let you know how they take it. If they don’t leave I might have to call Fish & Wildlife or the Parks Department.

Dear Early BirdsHere’s the Text

Jessica M.H. Smith
[Address redacted]
Chicago, IL

Early Birds
My Window Sill
[Address redacted]
Chicago, IL

June 24, 2014

To the Birds in Possession of Window Sill at:

[address redacted]

PLEASE TAKE NOTICE Multiple warnings have been issued regarding your early morning tweeting. Your unmitigated chirping is a clear violation of Chicago City Noise Ordinance 11-4-2900.

I, your landlord, have banged the air conditioner under which you shelter a number of times, specifically on the mornings of 28 May, 29 May, 5 June, 7 June, and 24 June.

Due to the failure on your part to fulfill your end of the de facto agreement between man and beast, I have no choice but to submit this notice of eviction.

You have 2 hours to comply with this request, which is the bird equivalent of 48 hours.

Sincerely,
Jessica M.H. Smith,
CopywritingComedian.com
Not a Morning Person

PS — Enclosed are resources on avian insomnia, and avian domestic resolution (I don’t know what you’re tweeting about, but maybe she’s a real nag and you guys are just trying to work it out), avian relocation (basically just fly away).

 

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